High-Value Woman or Hot Mess Energy

Leilani Anderson-Monroe

Hey, y’all. Welcome back to Leilani’s Couch, Ten Minutes of Motivation. I’m Leilani, and today—I really hope you're ready for this—we’re going straight into the heart of a question that I've honestly wrestled with for years: Who actually gets to decide whether you’re a “high-value woman”? Is it social media with its endless highlight reels, is it your job title, the way you look when you walk into a room, or is it something deeper? Now, one quick scroll through TikTok or Instagram, and it's like everyone's got their own list. High-value means flawless, right? Designer bag, perfect edges, zero flaws allowed. Or maybe it’s about having that LinkedIn CEO energy—all polished statements and glass-ceiling smashing. There’s just this idea floating around that you have to tick every box: career, beauty, motherhood, all of it. But here’s the thing, and I might ruffle feathers: Who decided “high-value” is even a real destination? Like, who gets to stamp your value card? Because if you follow the culture, one day Michelle Obama’s elegance is the standard, right? Next minute it’s Cardi B, who’s out here being completely, unapologetically real—funny, loud, messy if she wants, and still absolutely magnetic. I look at both and think—why do we even have to pick a lane? And this isn’t just theory for me. I remember when my son was still tiny—sleep schedule a whole lie and my hair, listen, not one curl in place—I still dragged myself to a networking lunch because, yo, business doesn’t stop. And, let me keep it real, I was ten minutes late, the last bit of dry shampoo standing between me and a full meltdown… but I showed up. I didn’t hide my exhaustion, my honest, kinda defeated energy. And what happened? The most put-together woman in the room sat next to me and just said, “Girl, thank you for being real.” Suddenly people I barely knew were telling me their mess, their dreams, how tired they were. I didn’t need to prove “high-value”—just to be who I was that day. It’s wild how that little bit of honesty invited deeper connections than any power suit or business card ever could. Maybe it’s not about who defines high-value, but who gets free when we stop pretending.

Leilani Anderson-Monroe

So let’s shift a little. How many times have you felt like, to be “taken seriously”—especially in business or as a leader—you gotta show up flawless? Like, immaculate. One hair out of place and suddenly your whole brand is up for debate? It’s exhausting, right? But, flip it—these days, some folks thrive online with what people call “hot mess” energy. Like, full transparency: the crying in the bathroom, the outtakes, letting people all the way in. And followers? They eat it up. But let’s keep it 100: Not everyone gets the same grace. You’ll see Tabitha Brown, right? She’s got that nurturing, sunbeam vibe—her vulnerability gets celebrated. But I’ve watched other women catch heat for the exact same softness or messiness, like the standard just… shifts depending on who you are. Why is that? Maybe you’re wondering: Can you really build a strong brand without having it all together? Is there room for the not-so-shiny parts—or is that just permission for some people, not all? Does letting people see the full story actually make them trust you more, even if your Instagram doesn’t always look like a magazine cover? Truth is, people crave what’s real, even if they sometimes judge it. And vulnerability—let’s not lie, it’s risky, especially when the playing field isn’t fair. But I think, if you can show up even a little bit “undone,” it makes space for other folks to feel seen. That builds the kind of loyalty and connection you can’t fake. I’m not saying you have to put every struggle on display, but when you let some of that messy humanity peek through? That’s the stuff people remember. It’s the difference between a perfect feed and a real following.

Leilani Anderson-Monroe

Now, here’s where it gets interesting—and honestly, vulnerable. How do you reconcile being soft, being nurturing, or even gentle with yourself, while still moving through the chaos that real life throws at you? Or let me say it this way: Can you be both put together and a little bit of a beautiful mess… and not lose your power? I used to believe I had to hide the tough days or the tears—especially as the founder of Boss Women Network, like I was supposed to be some kind of walking pep rally. But I’m telling you, the times I dropped the “perfect” mask—even just a bit—those moments had the most impact, but not really. Not for me. Take Issa Rae for example—I talk about her a lot, but she’s a blueprint. She’s brilliantly funny, obviously accomplished, but she never hides her awkwardness, her doubts, or even her chaos. Instead of it making her less powerful, it made her the voice for a whole generation that wanted to feel seen. I’ll give you another real-life moment: I hosted a Boss Women Network workshop, and instead of trying to be this flawless, TED Talk version of myself, I just said, “Y’all, today I feel stretched thin, but I’m choosing to show up anyway.” And man, something shifted. Women who barely spoke up before started sharing, trading encouragement, dropping their own masks. It was softer, a little chaotic, and exactly what we all needed. So, if there’s one thing I want you to take from today? It’s this: Softness and chaos can absolutely co-exist. Being real about both isn’t weak, it’s magnetic. It’s how we give others permission to stop shrinking and start showing up, mess and all. That reminds me—it’s never been about perfection, it’s about connection. If you got value out of this, meet me back on the couch next time—because, honestly, I’m still figuring this out too. Until then, keep showing up, just as you are.